My world got a new center. And it's him.
Nandu.
That five lettered word is so magical, that it stands out even if it were in-between a million other words. This is how it looks to me, "N A N D U". It looks magnified. It looks focused with the surrounding backdrop blurred. It takes me to a magical state untouched my reason. I can ignore every single thing, however important it be and effortlessly concentrate on that feeling. Pretty much nothing shakes me. Even if the roof fell on me, I 'd rather not move. Would just want to stay in my state of trance.
He is the source of my happiness AND is the source of much much greater sadness as well. Turns out, I can't have him. I mean how much more predictable could it have got?! Isn't it? :)
And why can't I have him?! Because I never told that I love him. I have never told that the reason I come to office everyday, without missing even a single day is for him. The reason I even bother to have a sense of style is to impress him. The reason I have got so fit as a fiddle is for him. The reason I live... well, have I taken it too far. If someone asked me, would you die for him... I would probably would ask,if he would be mine, may be!!! Yeah..so that my corpse and him and can live happily ever after! ;)
That's actually true at times though. I do feel like taking huge risks to get huge gains. but when I am out of that high.... It just feels ridiculous to have even contemplated it. Unbelievable mood swings!!!
But coming to the reason I have never been able to tell him, "I love you", is because I am a coward. Not because he may reject my love. But because I am afraid that he wouldn't accept me. I mean what if he told the rest of the office that I am "gay"! Gosh, dealt with one homophobe who used to be my friend but freaked out when I told I am gay. And he ruined me from the inside. Can't deal with another incident. Haven't yet gotten out of that trauma.
But but... sometimes feel, what if he were gay. I mean it started out me looking at him. And he staring back at me. This happened like a million times... and I was INTO him by then. Those looks he gave, goodness, I sometimes wonder.. did I have a choice at all. I am in such deep shit I would have hoped not to have fallen in love with him. But did i have a choice at all????
I am shattered today. I love him so much and can't even express that love. He's about to leave the company soon. And I told him, "It would feel empty out here without u". And his reaction is like,"Oh! This is too much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!". As if I were pulling his leg. What hit me is that he doesn't even have the "slightest" clue of how much I love him. How badly want to hold him in my hands! How badly I want to look into his eyes and tell the 3 words. How cold I feel everyday, just in the hope that he would hug me to keep me warm. To complement me. To complete me. But how I always end up feeling like an empty shell.
Nandu, nandu, nandu!!!
My past 6 months have been the worst. First few days I lived in the hope that something would come out of this. But each time nothing did, it hurt. The last few days I have lost that hope. But that's only made me more obssessed with him. As someone said, "The lesser my hope, the hotter my love".
And he's leaving
:(((((((((((((((((((
I feel like I am a million pieces now!
I feel so cursed that I can't ever tell him how i feel.
I feel tragic that I have lost him almost. And won't even get to see him nowonwards.
My life was founded on him. And I feel like I have collapsed with the foundation removed.
"Nandu, I really love you man!!!
I really do. From the bottom of my heart. Please love me back. Pleeeeasssseeeee...."
... is the thing that goes on in my head quite a few times.
I feel there's nothing worth living for. My life feels so empty. So useless without him around. My life truly surpasses a greek tragedy!!
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